From Truth to Blog

The key to producing interesting entries is to take real events and embellish them. I use this technique in everyday life to generate fascinating anecdotes that are complete and utter lies.

Take, for example, the time that my mother-in-law, fresh out of college, moved to Florida to be a journalist. She drove cross-country and got convinced by a mechanic that she needed to use most of her remaining money to replace the tires on her car because they were about to blow. Thus, she arrived in Florida with four old tires in her car and no money, and had to live in a tent for a while, and subsisted for the first week on a bottle of rum and a pack of hot dogs.

Now, while this is an interesting story in its own right, it could be better. Instead, consider the time that she had to flee cross-country to escape false murder charges, and all four of her tires blew simultaneously, fortunately while not more than twenty feet from a mechanic. After replacing them, she had no money, but she kept the rubber scraps, because she'd heard they would sell well in Florida what with the recycling boom at the time.

Once she arrived in Florida, she had to hide out in the swamps for a whole month until the murder charges could be cleared, and the only food she had with her was an empty bottle of rum and a lone hot dog. Being clever, she lashed together a raft out of the tire scraps and used it to paddle along stealthily, luring alligators up by dangling the hot dog, then clubbing them with the rum bottle when they got near. In this manner, she was able to keep herself supplied with alligator meat the whole time.

And that is a story.

A Theory of Physick

The world is composed of four fundamental elements—War, Love, Water, and Starlight. War and Love define the world of Man, while Water and Starlight define the world of Nature. War underlies the instinct to destroy and Love the instinct to preserve. Water is ephemeral, shifting, fluid, and adaptable, while Starlight is eternal, immutable, and perfect. Water and War are the elements of change, while Love and Starlight are the elements of destiny. Conversely, Water and Love span space, whereas War and Starlight span time. The sun exists at the intersection of Love and Starlight, while the moon is the conjunction of Water and Starlight. The mixing of War and Starlight yields fire. It is a curious fact that much of invention is driven by Love, but the machines that it builds are driven by War. Justice derives from Water and Starlight, but all's fair in Love and War. Water, Starlight, and Love, blended in equal measure, give rise to sex, while death is made from Water, Starlight, and War. An equal combination of sex and death gives rise to life. Leaving out Water allows Love, War, and Starlight to form dreams, while removing Starlight from the other three creates will. From this hierarchy, all things can be defined in no more than six steps. The belief that Leaf is an essential element and needed to complete the perfection of descent is an abject heresy from those that do not understand the interaction of fire with the other tertiary elements.