Overheard at the new pirate orientation…

"Arr, rules, they be more like guidelines. You best be checkin' yer HR packet for the details. And Thursday morn' be the sexual harassment training. Tis be important that all new scaliwags be knowin' how to properly engage in sexual harassment afore we reach Tortuga."

"And now, if ye be turnin' to page seven of yer pamphlets, I'll be outlinin' the stock option program and how ye can earn bonus shares o' booty for valor and such in the midst o' boardin' enemy vessels. The easy-ta-use BootyTracker™ system presents you with a rundown o' accumulated loot, vacation days, and medical benefits. Aye, we cover full dental and prosthetic limbs, includin' a trained monkey ta help ya if ye be too injured to work."

Speech of Freedom

My fellow Americans. In light of the increasing strain placed upon our nation's oil supply and the subsequent effect on prices, we have decided to take drastic action. Our fine military and the keen minds in the Department of Energy have tried their best, but now it's time to turn to the Bureau of Weights and Measures. Starting tomorrow, the gallon as you know it will be called the "Milk Gallon", and it will continue to be used to deliver healthy, government-subsidized cow juice to your local supermarket. Gasoline, on the other hand, will now be sold in "Tank Gallons", which are half the size of a Milk Gallon. In one fell swoop, we will undo the huge price increases seen in the past few years, and Americans can go back to comfortably paying just a little over a dollar a gallon. However, we could not let the environmental consequences of this act ruin our nation. To offset the Tank Gallon, car mileage will now be calculated using the "Engine Gallon", which is twice the size of a Milk Gallon. Not only will American gas be cheaper than anyone else's, our cars will also get more miles to the gallon than anyone else's. Again, we will leap to our rightful place as leaders of energy conservation and distribution. I think we should all give the smart folk over at Weights and Measures a big hand!

An Ultimatum

"Humans! I am Lord High Archivist Tch'kar of the Zentrax Consortium. We have come to your world to share the wealth of galactic information with you, but woe upon the madness we have found. Unlike all civilized species, you do not use the One True Media Format of Binary Transcoded Phase Shifting Compression. The supremacy of such encoding is obvious to all who study the mysteries of the universe."

"In your wretched wallowings, you do not even agree upon a single format for your sad species. These DVDs of yours are an abomination! We will give you but one chance to abandon your heresy and join the Consortium. Convert your recordings or be destroyed!"