Classified Proceedings of the Inquiry Regarding Planet 11-109

“Please state your name for the record.”

“I am Admiral Dobo Han.”

“And your relevance to this board of inquiry?”

“I am supreme commander of the 3rd Celestial Fleet, and was appointed leader of the counter-invasion task force deployed to the newly-contacted planetary system 11-109 in the spiral arm.”

“And was your fleet successful in halting the invasion?”

“That is a difficult question to answer. If I may, sir, that is the wrong question to be asking. Has the committee read my report?”

“Yes. Please summarize for the record.”

“In short, there was no invasion—”

<murmurs from the audience disrupt the testimony>

“Quiet, quiet! Admiral, please continue.”<\i>

“There was no invasion.”

“But what of the transmissions?!”

“Yes, we did receive a sustained broadcast of a memetic assault using long-range frequencies, and, yes, the broadcast shows no sign of slowing, with increasing strength and signal complexity over time. However, the inhabitants of 11-109 did not intend this as an assault.”

“How is that even possible?”

“The native species of 11-109 is unable to either perceive or generate low-frequency electromagnetic transmissions. They do so only through the means of mechanical prostheses. They are using these transmissions as a means of communication because they suffer no deleterious effects from exposure even at ludicrous levels of power, and the leaking of the signals into space is merely an unintended side effect. They are, in fact, entirely unaware of other civilizations.”

“But what about the contents of these transmissions? These are class one memetic weapons they’re shooting off with no thought as to who they might hit!”

“It turns out they do not view them as such. Their species is apparently so highly resistant to memetic attacks that it routinely engages in recreational lying as a means of entertainment. The targets are able to trivially perceive the lies as such and rate them based on the complexity, credibility, and self-consistency of the lie. They do this across all forms of media they possess, written, auditory, visual, in-person, and recorded.

The class zero spikes embedded in the transmission, however, are intended as a form of attack, but against their own people. Among them, it is socially acceptable to deploy such attacks, and many inhabitants of 11-109 willingly submit themselves to such attacks in exchange for access to the recreational lies contained in the class one attacks. This is because, as noted, they mostly shrug off these attacks with no effects whatsoever. The transmission that turned the entire population of Nomar IV into raging fiends desperately hunting for compressed fructose pellets? That was meant for the children of 11-109.”

“They target their own children?”

“Their children, much like the adults, are virtually immune to memetic attacks. The class zero bursts have some effect, but by the time they’ve reached 5% of their lifespan, they are already outperforming our best memeticists, including by launching their own attacks at each other, their parents, and anyone else nearby.”

“And did you exterminate this species of unspeakable horrors? There is a distinct lack of referring to them in the past in your speech.”

“As instructed, we entered orbit around their planet in our best-shielded ships, and the entire weight of the memetic corps launched our most sophisticated attacks against them. They found the attacks humorous. I believe they have retransmitted the attacks against themselves over seven million times by means of something called a ‘YouTube’. Lacking any means of escalation, I ordered the fleet to return home.”

“Admiral, what is your recommendation as to how to proceed with these monsters?”

“Sir, we’ve just stumbled across an entire planet of living superweapons capable of taking down galactic civilization. They have no reason to dislike us yet, and half of them will work for fructose pellets. I like to view this as an opportunity.”

“Indeed. Indeed it is. This entire report is now classified and the proceedings of this meeting are to be held in the strictest confidence.”

The Name's The Thing

You know how people reuse place names all the damn time? It's not coincidence, it's not laziness, and it's not a lack of creativity—it's them. They don't have an official name they agree on, but they go by many—straight-up namewalkers is the one I prefer. They've been guiding people to reuse names for things all over the place. Why? Because to them, if it's got the same name, it's the same place.

They use names for fast travel around the world. Drive into one Springfield, drive out of a different one anywhere in the US. Paris, Texas is a suburb of Paris, France as far as they're concerned. Spot a Main Street, and it's like a nexus to half the towns in the English-speaking world. You know why every town in the Bay Area reuses the same dozen street names for everything? It's cause these guys hate to commute.

They're also behind cultural imperialism—native names for places don't link anywhere, because they're too local. Get a big empire with a popular language to show up and rename everything, and bam—easy access in and out.

The easiest way to spot a namewalker, other than seeing evidence they keep showing up in distant places without having hopped a plane, is by their own name. Look for people with really distinctive, downright unique names. You see, a while back one of them figured out it didn't just work for places, it worked for people too. It's a defensive measure. Powerful people make enemies, and it's much easier to watch over just you own shoulder than over 100,000 other shoulders also belonging to a John Smith.

H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks

Every time one looks at information about global warming, one always sees the same graphs with the so-called "hockey-stick-shaped" curve of carbon dioxide levels. A seemingly innocent enough metaphor, until one pokes beneath the surface. Where, exactly, does one see hockey sticks in the greatest numbers? That's right, Canada! And what does Canada have to do with global warming, you may ask?

Have you ever considered that Canada is, at present, a frozen hellhole only made tolerable through the mass consumption of beer? Global warming, however, stands to change that. As the real tropics heat up into insufferable infernos, the formerly glacial wilds of Canada will thaw into tropical paradises. Tourism will spike as people flock to the sunny, warm beaches of British Columbia. The icy grip on its heartland will give way to the world's breadbasket. As the rest of the planet starves, Canada will sell them food at exorbitant prices, laughing all the way to the bank.

But wait, that's not all! Canada also has vast reserves of oil they've been hoarding for decades, whining about "oil shales" and "cost of extraction" and other things no one understands. It's really just a plot to distract us and make us forget about the link between oil and global warming. Once we've pumped the Middle East dry, Canada will "miraculously" find a way to extract the oil, but still at high prices, and we'll be too petroleum-starved to care, as we send them all our money for a gallon of gas and some bread, and dream of being able to afford a visit.

Greedy bastards, the lot of them, except for the Quebecois, who want nothing to do with the rest of the filthy schemers.