R'lyeh Records

It has recently come to my attention that the world of hip-hop has been infiltrated by eldritch beings of horror and madness for many years now. The prime example of this is clearly Coolio. Due to sources I cannot divulge, I suspect him of being none other than dread Cthulhu. Aside from the obvious linguistic similarities in their names, there is the fact that both have tentacles on their heads (although Coolio's are on top while Cthulhu's are on the bottom).

Furthermore, I have obtained from illegal Ukrainian porn servers poorly-ripped but clearly recognizable MP3 copies of the original Shoggoth's Paradise, prior to its being altered for mass consumption. Fortunately for us all, "the stars were not right" for widespread release. I shall be gravely watching the heavens for any unexpected shifts that could presage a rise in non-Euclidean rap.

Remember, "That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons even death may die." This is the only possible explanation for how Tupac Shakur, clearly an avatar of Hastur, can continue making so many movies after his death. Thanks to information provided by the Echelon project, world government agents from Majestic 12 were able to prevent the release of his infamous "King in Yellow" album cover by introducing a subtle printing error that bleached the colors, making him appear to wear filthy white instead. His lack of shoes on this cover was merely another sign of his ability to craft mind-altering music from beyond the grave.

However, by far the gravest threat is posed by the world altering spaces that are being smuggled into our reality inside cargo pants. The vast, cycoplean expanses surrounding each leg are perfect for the eventual army of invading Mi-Go that will burst forth from the Antarctic once the polar ice cap over Lake Vostok is shattered by the simultaneous vibrations of the majority of the world's cars with overpowered bass systems.

Our only hope is to popularize goth music with over 180 beats per minute, allowing us to raise a defending army of speed-crazy zombie warriors led by vampire overlords, made sun-proof via genetically-engineered CopperTone. You know what you have to do…