In the year 3497, the Most Sarcastic and Contempt-Filled Empire completely routed the forces of the Bug-Ugly Squidheaded Freaks at the battle of Whew, That Was An Ass-Kicking, conquering You Call That A Homeworld? and ending the brief period of hostilities. Military historians generally agree that the intelligence provided by the Booger and the Dust Bunny during their fly-bys of the system was instrumental to the positioning of the stealth battleships Russell's Teapot, Invisible Pink Unicorn, Flying Spaghetti Monster, and Yahweh during the battle. The brunt of the offensive was dealt by the Dirty Joke and the Suspiciously Phallic Object, while effective avenues of enemy retreat were blocked by the Coca-Cola Bottle, the Roach Motel, the Velvet Elvis Painting, and the Your Mom. The latter was particularly noteworthy for its interception and capture of the Squidhead ship bearing the fleeing heads of state. By the time the recently-constructed Planetfucker-class dreadnaught Whatever You Squidheads Find Most Terrifying and/or Offensive got within range of You Call That A Homeworld?, the fighting was already over.

And then did Snorri post to the message board that Björn was a twit who could not find his ass with two hands and Google Maps, and he linked to his Flickr account where Björn was drunk and passed out at Uppsala. When Björn learnt of this, he flew into a rage, and insulted Snorri's mother. Seizing his sword, he charged off to avenge his name, but Siðrun called him on his Nokia and reminded him the law did not sanction killing for this crime, so Björn sent Snorri a DMCA takedown notice instead.

I recently came across a small, spherical object that would, to the casual observer, appear to be a baseball. However, written across its surface were the words "Texas Rangers Baseball Club". Thus, it was clearly not just a baseball, but rather a baseball club. The only possible explanation is that this is, in fact, a relic from an alternate universe, or possibly a remnant of an altered past due to meddling time travellers.

In the world from which it came, the Texas Rangers must have used such baseball clubs as their primary weapon to subdue lawbreakers. They probably beat on the perpetrators in a club-like manner, leading to the name, and held back the option to pitch the baseball club at high speed and bean people in the head for more dire emergencies, due to the risk of becoming disarmed. They likely went around wearing bandoliers full of extra baseball clubs, ready for pitching at a moment's notice, garnering them a reputation as fearsome and tireless enforcers of justice.

Of course, if the baseball club was such a dangerous weapon, no one would dream of playing with it. Instead, they probably had a sport wherein a shooter would unload his six-gun towards home plate, and a batter would try to catch the bullets by embedding them in a wooden bat. If they caught the bullet, they would then fling the bat into the air, and the other team would scramble to retrieve it for use in beating the runner into submission. Being an umpire was a very dangerous job, and required the extensive use of body armor and plexiglass shields.