My fellow Americans. In light of the increasing strain placed upon our nation's oil supply and the subsequent effect on prices, we have decided to take drastic action. Our fine military and the keen minds in the Department of Energy have tried their best, but now it's time to turn to the Bureau of Weights and Measures.

Starting tomorrow, the gallon as you know it will be called the "Milk Gallon", and it will continue to be used to deliver healthy, government-subsidized cow juice to your local supermarket. Gasoline, on the other hand, will now be sold in "Tank Gallons", which are half the size of a Milk Gallon. In one fell swoop, we will undo the huge price increases seen in the past few years, and Americans can go back to comfortably paying just a little over a dollar a gallon.

However, we could not let the environmental consequences of this act ruin our nation. To offset the Tank Gallon, car mileage will now be calculated using the "Engine Gallon", which is twice the size of a Milk Gallon. Not only will American gas be cheaper than anyone else's, our cars will also get more miles to the gallon than anyone else's. Again, we will leap to our rightful place as leaders of energy conservation and distribution. I think we should all give the smart folk over at Weights and Measures a big hand!