Bones of your Enemies Bread

1 dead enemy

1/4 cup oily black ichor of the deep ones
OR
1/4 cup vegetable oil

1. Flense your enemy and save the skin to make a hat. Drain the blood into several large jars for making marmalade (below). The meat is best eaten right away, but can be frozen for up to six months. Allow the bones to dry in a warm, sunny place free of moisture.

2. Grind the bones to make flour. Measure out six cups, and save the rest. (If you are hungry for bread before your revenge will culminate over the course of many years, or if you are so powerful you have already killed all your enemies, you should make enemies with some wheat, and grind it into flour instead.)

3. If your enemy died weeping inconsolably and you saved the tears, use them here. Otherwise, make brine by combining water and salt. Add the sugar and yeast, then sit back and wait until it turns into a bubbly froth that reminds you of your enemy's rabid screaming and twitching-filled dying moments.

4. Mix the ichor in with the yeast, then mix in one cup of ground bones at a time. Knead the dough on a lightly floured surface until it's as smooth as your cunning machinations. Place it in a well oiled bowl, and turn the dough to coat it a proper chthonic black. Cover it with a damp cloth stolen from the dispossessed heirs of your slain foe. Wait about one hour, until the rising dough has doubled in size, like your ever-growing fortune.

5. Punch the dough down, venting your righteous rage and fury. Knead for a few minutes, and divide in half, as you did your enemy's lover before his or her very eyes. Shape into loaves, and place into two well oiled 9x5 inch loaf pans shaped like the crest of your noble house. Allow to rise for 30 minutes, or until dough has risen 1 inch above the pans, allowing it to lord over all the other inferior food in your kitchen.

6. Bake in the fires of hell for all eternity or until golden-brown (about 30 minutes at 350 °F / 175 °C).

Blood of your Enemies Marmalade

blood of your enemies
sugar
water
fat, juicy black leeches

You will need the ingredients in the ratio 1 liter blood : 2 kg sugar : 1 liter water : 3 leeches.

Keep the blood warm to keep it from coagulating. Separate out a fifth of it from the rest. Place the leeches in the blender on high until they are well blended, then add the puree to the greater part of the blood, which should now flow easily. If the blood still looks to thick, you can add another leech, but don't overdo it. Too many leeches will keep it from jelling properly later.

Set the water to boiling in a large stockpot, and add the sugar, stirring until it has dissolved into a thick syrup. Gradually stir in the blood-leech mixture. Reduce to medium-low heat, but still boiling, and wait 45 minutes to an hour. The mixture should be reduced to a thick glop, with the bubbles leaving pits that fill slowly. Turn off the heat, and allow to cool to room temperature.

Once cool, pour the reserved warm blood over the top and stir vigorously, then quickly seal it into canning jars. Refrigerate overnight, then spread on fresh, oven-warm bones of your enemies bread to make a tasty treat that reminds your new allies how important it is to stay on your good side.