Contrary to popular belief, most people don't achieve their dreams. Take, for example, Hollywood. Most people that depart for this smoggy stretch of California land do not, in fact, become famous actors and directors. Even those that do have to suffer first. Harrison Ford, as everyone knows, was working as a carpenter when he was hired for the role of Han Solo. What most people don't know is that during this stint of work, he bashed up his thumbs so badly with a hammer that they had to be replaced with robotic prostheses. George Lucas drew upon the horror of this real-life incident when he created the scene of Luke Skywalker losing his hand. It's ironic that Mark Hamill lost his real hand two days after shooting that scene in a bizarre Swiss Army Knife accident. However, in his case, they were able to clone a new one from Carrie Fisher's shed hair follicles, and Hamill's body didn't reject it because she really is his sister.
In more modern times, Russell Crowe had to work for seven years as a cheese slave before it occurred to someone that a hunky Australian git would make a good Roman general. In his private diary, which I hired ninja squirrels to steal, he still reminisces fondly of the days when rich widows would pay him well to drizzle molten mozzarella on his rock-hard abs.
He's not the only Australian in show business, however. Paul Hogan, beloved portrayer of Crocodile Dundee, met with intense racism in his early days as an actor due to being an Australian Aborigine. He purchased a skin-whitening treatment from Michael Jackson, and next thing you know, he was g'day mating all over the place.
The only other famous Australian is Yahoo Serious, whose real name is Bozo Profound. You haven't heard much from him of late because Yahoo! Search successfully contested the name and they now own his body. Rumor has it they sold his organs on the black market in Thailand, so it's possible that kidney your aunt got last year has been in a major motion picture or two.
Many people think Mel Gibson is Australian. He's not. He's Austrian, but he does a much better job of covering up the accent than the current governor of California does. The "Mel" is short for Melanin. He's an Austrian Aborigine, and suffered similarly to Paul Hogan, who is no relation to Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan is actually a clone grown from Pancho Villa's mustache, fragments of which were embedded in the death mask taken of his face shortly after he ceased living (hence the name "death mask'). Most major wrestling figures are cloned from the facial hair of great historical leaders. I think next year they're introducing The Proletariat and The Means of Production, a pair of tag-teaming twins grown from Karl Marx's beard and eyebrows, respectively.
Speaking of the Marx Brothers, Groucho is proof of the phenomenon formerly seen only in Japan (and documented in their precious graphical works known as manga, which is Italian for "to eat", due to the edible rice paper on which early such comics were printed) wherein very aged humans shrink to about three feet in height and turn green. After this happened to him, he could only get a job on Sesame Street and was forced to live in a trash can. Another example of this anti-growth spurt is Yoda, bringing us back to the beginning, indicating that we are in fact at the end.
