Every time one looks at information about global warming, one always sees the same graphs with the so-called "hockey-stick-shaped" curve of carbon dioxide levels. A seemingly innocent enough metaphor, until one pokes beneath the surface. Where, exactly, does one see hockey sticks in the greatest numbers? That's right, Canada! And what does Canada have to do with global warming, you may ask?

Have you ever considered that Canada is, at present, a frozen hellhole only made tolerable through the mass consumption of beer? Global warming, however, stands to change that. As the real tropics heat up into insufferable infernos, the formerly glacial wilds of Canada will thaw into tropical paradises. Tourism will spike as people flock to the sunny, warm beaches of British Columbia. The icy grip on its heartland will give way to the world's breadbasket. As the rest of the planet starves, Canada will sell them food at exorbitant prices, laughing all the way to the bank.

But wait, that's not all! Canada also has vast reserves of oil they've been hoarding for decades, whining about "oil shales" and "cost of extraction" and other things no one understands. It's really just a plot to distract us and make us forget about the link between oil and global warming. Once we've pumped the Middle East dry, Canada will "miraculously" find a way to extract the oil, but still at high prices, and we'll be too petroleum-starved to care, as we send them all our money for a gallon of gas and some bread, and dream of being able to afford a visit.

Greedy bastards, the lot of them, except for the Quebecois, who want nothing to do with the rest of the filthy schemers.